Tag Archives: Corporate

Memoirs of 6 Weeks

There has been a trail of events that has put my life on a roller coaster ride, I have been too lazy all this while to post anything on this blog. The only justice I can do is to post a memoir and mentioning snippets of my life…

SOLD!!! Auction Closed-

Finally this sheep is sold to, MyCompanyName. The experience was so good, Two years dreaming IT, and trying to living the dream. Finally I am part of the great organization. It has not long when I used to talk about the great Global Delivery Model, or the Zero Debt Company, or the Millionare Driver of the founder himself, or the splendid cash reserves all with such awe and now I am going to be part of this great legacy. I will have a chance to live what Thomas Friedman talks about as “The World is Flat”. I am afraid will I be lost in the crowd of the 55000 people who will be around me or will I be affecting the NASDAQ 100 Index. A lot of questions makes life exciting because I know equal number of answers would be coming by very soon.

Resolutions-

I plan to do following things in this New Year. When I say I plan, it is quite clearly understood that they might fail and they are there in the first place to provide me a metrics of how much I missed.

1- Read twice the number of books that I did last year. I know this would be a state of Ideal Utopia but this comes in the light of that after being place I do not intend to slog myself ass of for the MBA curriculum and also if I can predict odd with predictability, there would be a high probability that I might get to spend some time on bench, which I intend to utilize for constructive purposes not for forwarding mails ( but I am assured that these odds are not in my favour).

2- Keep touch with friends- Will keep touch with old friends, will call people write emails and letters.

3- Will not help people at my own cost and allow them to enjoy their lives at my expense

4- Save money for contributing generously for Help Prats Get Rich Quickly Fund.

5- I will try and respect other view points than the right view point (which is obviously mine)

6- Will drive in a more sane manner, and clean my bike ever weekend (I have already missed two in the time between I thought and I am writing this)

7- Will not give anyone advice on their love life, and will apologize people from my past who are into a relationship and are cursing me to make their relationship work (Yes some are looking forward to break my head for all obvious reasons)

8- Will cut down on coffee, cold drinks, pizza, burgers, Chinese (is anything else left, yes a good question is what I will be living for)

9- Will exercise regularly at least one hour a day.

10- Follow all this to maximum time of the year possible.

Adieu!! Till the next post 🙂

My Problems with Strategy

Strategy is a very nice small word defined by Webster dictionary as “1 a (1) : the science and art of employing the political, economic, psychological, and military forces of a nation or group of nations to afford the maximum support to adopted policies in peace or war (2) : the science and art of military command exercised to meet the enemy in combat under advantageous conditions b : a variety of or instance of the use of strategy
2 a : a careful plan or method : a clever stratagem b : the art of devising or employing plans or stratagems toward a goal
3 : an adaptation or complex of adaptations (as of behavior, metabolism, or structure) that serves or appears to serve an important function in achieving evolutionary success”.

I feel in the current scenario it is one of the ill treated and demeaned word, specially where my fellow “HumBheeHain”(read MBA) comrades. Now after seeing the summer project titles of many of my fellow beings I have come to utter dislike for this word. I don’t know why but even my summer project title also includes the word (ps: yes I made the title) and is the most frequently occurring word in my resume as well. Getting back to the point that why I would not want to be associated with anything that has something related to this generic word of “strategy”.

1- It is too easy and non-challenging; almost every B-school student does it in his summer internship after the first year. You know things like “Strategy Formulation”, “Strategy Evolution” and other things of sorts.

2- Every company on the block does it; everyone seems to have it, more or less on the similar line. Everyone talks about customers, service, growth, market leader etc. even the ones who file for the bankruptcy. So why to be involved with one which is not the differentiator.

3- Once can not make their strategy independently without the help of someone. Either they need summer interns from the business schools or the glorified strategic consultants which are flocking our campuses on day to day basis. So it is a job from the lower end of the value chain which can easily be outsourced.

4- It partners us with our own competitors and might lead to risks. For example both Wipro & TCS are a strategic partner to General motors which also make them strategic partner to each other. I assume that strategy would be following the transitive laws of multiplication. After all strategy should be objective in nature.

5- Another thing which really irritates me about this word is it starts with an S (Read : ass) and ends in Y (Read: Why). May be because who starts it is a real donkey in himself and some why’s are always left in the end. Well why do I need an ass to make a plan which in the end would still leave some why? I swear I have no clue.

6- When I search in google the “strategy failure” I get more than 3 times more results from when I search “strategy success”. Now why would I like to spend my time doing something which is more associated with failure than to success.

8- If I rearrange the letters of the word strategy the words I get are grayest, gyrates, & targets all three such depressing words so now you would know how much depressing league this words belong to.

9- Another reason is that strategies are sometimes so stupid and they make you wonder if it is worth it, like some of you are wondering over my attention grabbing strategy to miss seven on the numbering list and cursing my strategy to gain attention

10- The only thing that is good with strategy is sometimes it works for no apparent reason, like some of you are looking up paying close attention to the crap I have written to see if I have really missed out seven.

So now you know why I am not really entertained by the idea of a job at strategic position in a strategic company having strategic clients asking it perform strategic roles for them and in turn giving me strategic growth paths in my career.

MBAs for Sale

With the placement season starting to gear up in the campus, it is time for me to start ranting about the same. The freshly groomed MBAs have been cut, cleaned, polished and now put up for the sale. The prospective bidders have been sent a product catalogue with all the jazzy photographs. Prospective buyers are flocking everyday to enhance the stake of their claims for the young sheep (read students) out for sale. The bet is who will produce more meat. The actual weighing would begin later. The funniest part of this assessing (read interviewing) by the prospective buyers is the reality behind. A typical assessing process happens as follows-

Buyer: Tell me something about yourself?

Sheep: Everything I wanted to tell you is already on the sheet of paper you are holding, it is called a resume. Have you ever seen it before, I guess not. Anyways I will recite whatever I can, hope this will help you to buy me and take me home, please.

Buyer: Tell me something which is not on your CV.

Sheep: Why would I hide anything from you which would enforce your decision to take me or you are interested in how many girlfriends I have had till date or when it was the first time I got drunk in the local bar. No I am not going to tell you any of this I have been prepared for such stupid behavior from you and have left out some points outside that stupid sheet of paper so will recite those. Ps I will recite in such a casual manner, u know I got first prize in acting when I was in class second.

Buyer: Where do you see yourself 5 years down the line?

Sheep: You know if you take me on board today tomorrow I will wake up in the bar with a crazy hangover and if you don’t I will spend whole night reading about the buyer coming tomorrow. So you can figure out what I am doing tomorrow morning, isn’t 5 years a bit too long to predict. Oh yeah!!!! for you, it’s a secret do you know career is very important for me, I fixed up a plan last night going through the career patrh given on your website.

Buyer: Tell me why our company?

Sheep: Its fairly simple you are one of the very few people who would buy me on a cost and still spend on me and would expect me to make phone calls and forward emails whole day. I swear I couldn’t find another idiot like you who would pay me for doing this all my life. Eh you know my inherent interest would create synergies with you. Ever heard this line?

Buyer: What are your weaknesses?

Sheep: Well I simply can not resist good food and sexy women. I hope you don’t have sexual harassment laws in place. Ah Weaknesses I believe in constant updation of the self.

Buyer: What are your favorite subjects in you curriculum?

Sheep: Do you really believe that I might have a favorite subject in the curriculum. What kind of a nerd are you. But you want an answer let me think, which subject you wouldn’t have ever studied and understood. Yes strategies on success of educational institutes on the placement front. Does it help???

Buyer: Any questions you would like to ask?

Sheep: oh yes, I prepared a list I just have it hidden it in my socks wait a second I will read out the questions to you.

Buyer: We like you mr. Sheep would you like to work for us?

Sheep: Obviously, why on earth do you think I am dressed in these stupid ties and blazer. You are not here searching for a groom for your daughter is it? Even if it is then also I am interested.

Buyer: Welcome on board mr. Sheep

Sheep: Righto boss!!! Why don’t you show me the money now? By the way who is my secretary can I ask her to do my fourth semester assignments?

Horses' Back

Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at the same time:

The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.

Now the twist to the story . . .

There’s an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses’ behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse’s Ass!

*P.S. This was a forwarded mail from one of my friends and is not written by me, Posted it here as I wanted to share this interesting observation.

Of Betrayal in Love, Trust & Relatioships

I feel shocked, there has to be an element of trust in every relationship. I have never been betrayed so badly, my trust has never gone for toss with such scorn, and it hurts. Yes it hurts badly. I was one of the early adopters of the product called “Soft Drinks” or “Aerated Drinks”. They have been a part of my life since past 15 years, they have been as close to me, and had replaced water to quite an extent in my lifestyle. I still remember my order when I used to visit the Dhaba( a small food joint, by the highway side) and my usual order used to be “Special tadke wali Dal, Butter Roti and Pepsi” which used to make my dinner night after night in my days of engineering college. How I used to be a lover of soft drinks, a loyalist to their product and as well as brand.

I stand here now, feeling betrayed, dumped for the most selfish purpose in life, making money. I always trusted them bestowed my love on them, and all they did was to play on my life, my quality of my life. They lied to me about everything, I gave them a place in my life and they made money out of my cost. Last evening the highlights flashing on the TV, told me that how badly Pepsi & Coca-Cola had treated me. What they had been doing to me behind my back. I was always told that I was being provided was a world class product, a quality product. I always believed that I was getting into a relationship with these products as an advocate for their quality. I never believed then 3 years from now, when they told me that I was being fed on pesticide. I never believed but yesterday I knew that I was dumped in love, I was used, and my trust was compromised.

It’s so bad that I was being fed on pesticide that too 24 times what was permissible for keeping my health. It was like you were blinded in love and your lover is out to kill you. I don’t know how much I have lost in this relationship, how much my quality and length of life have been compromised. But I would follow a belief that has always guided me through bad relationships “Relationships are like Investment, Get out of a bad one as soon as possible”. Now that my courtship with aerated drinks is over and the blindfold removed, I could see the things clearly and have a determination in my heart that I am not going to allow them to play with my emotions and my life anymore, they don’t deserve someone as loyal as me and I am not going to be associated with Cyprians like coke and Pepsi anymore!!!!