Tag Archives: Humor

Why My MIL Calls Me a Cyclone

I have a weird relationship with Bangalore; somehow I never liked Bangalore (a probable reason for this might be that I was forced to relocate there the first time when I went there). So the bottom-line is that I hate Bangalore and the feeling is mutual, as in, Bangalore hates me in return. I tried to make my amends by selecting a Bangalore lady as my beloved WhyFee. But somehow Bangalore didn’t find that too entertaining either. So now I was left with a city that hates me and a family as my in-laws which take the slogan “Namma Bengaluru” a tad too seriously.
I generally fell ill with asthmatic allergy or viral infection in Bangalore and as soon as I touch the land of Bangalore it simply starts raining and weather would become unreasonably cold triggering my illness. You know multiple times the sequence of events are like this-
I would ask my WhyFee, how is the weather in Bangalore and what kind of warm clothes should I carry?
She would say it’s sunny and dry; you won’t need too many warm clothes. And thus I would arrive with only one sweater (Yes despite everything I know what a B**CH Bangalore becomes just seeing my face)
Then as soon as I walk out of the airplane towards the airport, it would start with a mild drizzle and that would only stop when I step back in the plane for my return journey. Then it would be back to dry and sunny weather.
So this time I went to Bangalore and it rained like cats & dogs all the time I was there, and somehow my in-laws also believed that I was the cause of the incessant rains all across Bangalore.
So the morning when I was all set to come back to Pune, my mother-in-law was going through the newspaper. She suddenly looked up and asked “Is your name Cyclone? You have been mentioned on the front page of Times in Bangalore.”
I took the newspaper and found myself staring into the headlines “Cyclone arrives in Bangalore, Causes Rains, Showers and Thunderstorm”. I silently agreed, “Yes mom, my name is cyclone”
Needless to say it has been all dry, sunny and pleasant since the day I have left Bangalore.

As Funny As It Gets

So as you would have read here already, that one fine day Alexander the great felt like conquering the world and he set on a long journey of conquest. When the ambitious desires haunted yours truly he took on a bigger conquest and got engaged. Now you don’t believe me that my conquest is bigger. Who are we kidding people Alexander’s ended in 13 years,  that’s lesser than ruling time of communists in West Bengal.

So getting back to my own conquest, I was bragging about my own self having a meaningful discussion with WhyFee and we happen to touch the area of sense of humor. Needless to say, I started harping my own trumpet (Ironically, you can be harping a harp but can you trump a trumpet) and you wonderful people know how I have a distinguished sense of humor.

Impressing a lady with sense of Humor, I immediately quoted the effective episode from the sitcom Friends where Chandler tells Monika all the Tulsa & Oklahoma jokes. Especially the one where they combine two words to make a new word (For more information you will need to watch the Friends episode “The One With Male Nanny”)

So Chandler tells combining the word jokes –

“Fried Chicken would be Frikkin’” and “Male Nanny would be Many”

So after quoting them I started my own ones-

Sada Masala Dosa = Samosa

Sick Duck = Suck

Pretty Chick = Prick

So you get the idea the kind of awesome jokes I was telling, when the WhyFee came back with the “Why The Hell I am Marrying this Weirdo Guy”® look on her face, “You really didn’t think that was funny eh right?”

“Oh it is darling, indeed it is you have to imagine. Think of it me and you standing in a room with proper lights and focus on our face and 50 people laughing in the background….” I said trying to salvage my prestige or whatever was left of it. When she came back with this

“You need 50 people with fake laughs in the background to be funny. Yes that’s exactly funny…”

Sheesh!!!! People please tell me the jokes were funny? Weren’t they?

Ps. On a totally unrelated note, Economic Times said that the US is out of recession marking a growth of 3.5% My authorized secret sources tell me the primary reason behind this is all the people in government have stopped doing anything and thus stopped messing interfering with economy, getting inspired from Barrack Obama, hoping that they just might be next contender for “Nobel Peace Prize for Doing Nothing” (My authorized sources have also confirmed that the Nobel Prize Committee has agreed to amend the name of the coveted prize). I sincerely hope the Indian government follows suit.

Sleeping Duty

I was reading the post by Smita on her escapades which she attained by sleeping her way to glory.
So after reading I actually reminded of one of the incidents which happened to me when I was as she puts it “Catching the Precious Winks in Office”

Generally I am not the kind of person who would sleep during the day, but then some days are just not normal. This incident happened on one of those kind of days and till date it has been one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.

To give a little background we had a closed knitted team in the office, all of us bachelors and around the same age group with a difference of 1 or 2 years. Since I had recently moved to Hyderabad for the project I did not had any other friends in office so I generally used to hang out with the team folks joking around having fun. On the project side I was leading the team and I had made good rapport with the people reporting to me. My boss was based out of Bangalore so I was the one who was solely responsible for the day to day activities of the team.

So one of those days I had an awesome weekends when we did all the masti and fun watching night shows, having midnight buffets, driving on necklace road and sitting across Hussain Sagar lake only to return back home at 4:30 in the morning. On Monday we had a Vedio Conferencing scheduled at 8:00 in the morning with the client. So essentially the sleep deprived me somehow surviving on my coffee went through the meeting.

Finally I sat down at my desk and started working on something, and I don’t know when I slipped off into the oblivion of deep sleep with my face on my palm cup and my elbow resting on the table. I don’t even know how long it was before I heard something. It took me 5 seconds to realize where I was and what was happening.
Coming back to senses I see the most dreaded scene, my whole team was standing around my cubicle giggling and laughing. That was so embarrassing, I was supposed to be the one to set examples and I was the one who was to act like boss and here I was acting like a sleeping beauty in front of almost everyone who reports to me. I just felt like “Yeh Dharti fat jaye aur main isme sama jaaon” and not to mention that this was the first assignment where I got to be the boss.
I finally gave them flimsy explanation which on retrospect was all the more idiotic because I did not owe an explanation to them 🙁 and then proceeded towards the loo. One look at the mirror my face had imprints of my own fingers which looked like I have been slapped tightly by some girl trying to score with her, the clothes had been crumpled and disoriented like I had chosen Recession hit Investment banker as my adult Halloween costume theme.

Can you believe it I am writing this blog post again at 1:30 in the night when I have a conference call in office tomorrow at 8 in the morning. Damn I don’t get it, Do I?

Haal Chaal Theek Thaak Hai

I wrote a post on Gulzaar Sahab some time back here. Undoubtedly Gulzaar Sahab has been a master of poetry & lyrics of our time. You know I can proudly said I lived in the times of the great poet Gulzaar.
I am sure a lot of people would be familiar with the serious and in-depth writings of Gulzaar Sahab on human nature, love, emotions etc.

Somehow you don’t find the sarcastic sides in the poets too often and then finding a sarcastic side to such a deep poet is something beyond imagination. Now here I got a song which captures his hold on sarcasm current issues and problems of the society and how beautifully he has imbibed in a poetry and then the lyrics of the song. Kishore Kumar has done a fabulous job with Mukesh singing it in such a mood that is so relevant to the depth of the song.

The movie is a 1971 movie when the country was struggling with problems like Corruption, Unemployment, Quota Raj or License Regime, spiraling high prices. And Gulzaar captures them so well making it funny yet deep. Sarcastic and absolutely true.
For those who haven’t heard this song before or got the lyrics completely I have compiled both of them below. Enjoy another beauty by Gulzaar Sahab.

Haal Chaal Theek Thaak hai
Sab Kuch Theek Thaak hai
Kaam nahi hai warna yahaan
aapki dua se sab theek thaak hai

Aab-o-hawa desh ki bahot saaf hai
kaayda hai, kanoon hai, insaaf hai,
Allah Jaane Koi Jiye Ya Mare
aadmi ko khoon voon sab maaf hai

Aur Kya Kahoon, Choti Moti Chori
Rishwat Khori Deti Hai Apna Guzara yahaan
aapki dua se baaki theek thaak hai

Gol Mol Roti ka Pahiya Chala-2
Peeche Peeche Chaandi ka rupaiya Chala
Roti Ko Bechaari Ko cheel le gayi
Chandi Leke munh kala Kauwa Chala

Aur Kya Kahoon, Maut Ka Tamaasha
chalaa Hai Betahaasha,
Jeene Ki Fursat Nahi Hai Yahaan
Aap Ki Dua Se Baaki Theek Thaak Hai.

You & I

Now this one is for a competition being organized by my friend. I had self-doubt if I should participate but then I thought I might as well give it a try. So the rules of the contests are as following-

As many poems as possible on uniquely different themes, each beginning with the lines:
‘If you were young, and I, beautiful,
And we chanced to meet on a lonely road’
Characteristics of poems:
– No more than 20 lines
– Not more than one poem on a single theme
– Grammar & usage should be correct (some degree of poetic license allowed- my friend’s discretion)
– Spellings should be correct (some degree of poetic license allowed- my discretion)

I chose the theme as a robbery gone wrong and my entry is as following-

If you were young and I, beautiful
And we chance to meet on a lonely road,
You walking all alone with a bag so full
With me following close to rob your load.

The road stretch was dark and the moment apt
Lonely road, a young woman with a full bag; what a catch,
Lurched into the motion and towards you I leapt,
My hands on your bag and boy I snatched.

Rest of the story doesn’t go as I had planned
My exit idea to snatch run did actually fail,
When I realized my throat and your hand
A sharp push and a jerk I gave for me to bail.

So here was beautiful me who went for the kill
My life, my throat and my chain of real gold,
hanging on a thin thread of your whims and will
saved by a whisker or to the devil my soul was sold.

I ran like no tomorrow leaving behind the bag that was full
And also leaving the gold in my neck; with your grip it flowed,
Then I wonder why you were young and I, beautiful
And why do we chance to meet on a lonely road.

Ps. This is after a long time I am trying a poem with an abab rhyming scheme. Would love to hear your feedback if it actually sounded good and rhymed properly.

An Amorous Antithesis

I got a forwarded mail regarding a competition which appeared in Washington Post, the competition asked for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line.

I am not sure if this competition is genuine but it was a good challenge. So I thought it would be a great idea to try something like this.

This is the poem I came up with-

My darling when I saw you, I fell in love for the first time,
On retrospect that is till date my most horrendous crime.

The beautiful twinkle of your eyes and the tinge of light blue,
The bill of those contacts on my credit card are still due.

Your lovely walk, inviting a thousand glances and riveting stares,
Why do I see walking them going only towards shopping malls & fairs.

Your lovely voice my dear, speaks to my mind and music to my ears,
I am watching cricket, so just be quite and stay clear.

The immense love and special chemistry between us we share,
For heaven’s sake stop scaring me in the nightmares.

Darling you are so beautiful, sensuous, amazing and hot,
I just hope my lies never get caught.

Your face beautiful like moon, body with curves like crescent,
Why you want these sexy dresses, instead try wearing a tent.

We are meant to be together, your love is my life and luck,
Is this my destiny my lord!! What the F**K!!

Are you wondering that how I managed to make this poem rhyme,
Plain joblessness, my sinister self with a lie told in every second line.


An Amorous Antithesis

An Amorous Antithesis

Update: This post was selected as Blog Adda’s Spicy Saturday Picks

5 Things Not to Gift Your FIL

Buying a gift is a tedious job, and it becomes all the more difficult when you have to buy the same for your in-laws. I mean buying gifts for your own family members is a simple four step process.

Step 1- You identify what thing is you need most and wont get approval for buying from parents.

Step 2- Buy that thing, get it gift wrapped and write on tag “With love for Mummy/Papa – From You”

Step 3- Gift the packet to parents. Ask them to open it in front of you and see them sigh smile.

Step 4- Now take the gift and start using it, parents won’t use it anyways.

This is a sure shot process which works everytime. I have tried this multiple times like when I bought that expensive shaving foam for my mom and the Rayban sunglasses for my dad (who incidnetly wear eyesight glasses and cannot wear them). Now they both loved the gifts and they are being put to good use right there in my cupboard.

Father In Law
Image Courtesy: Google Images

But when it comes to in-laws the ball game changes entirely. The 4 step process mentioned above fails miserably. Well till now I am not able to come up with a process oriented approach for buying gifts for your in-laws. The reason is there is no trial run possibility as a failed trial might be fatal due to a external exterminator being active in the scene, better know as wifee.

So here yours truly comes up with 5 things which you should not gift your Father In Law(FIL)-

1- Life Insurance– Now this seems like a perfect gift, your insurance agent might convince with all kinds of benefits it entails and how it would bring huge benefits to you just by putting your name in the nominee section. It would seem like a good idea to buy that policy, name yourself as the Nominee pack it in the envelope and gift it to your FIL.  Don’t ever try it. Even if you go ahead and do it then it would be a good idea to get one insurance policy for yourself too, you now just in case….

2- Walking Cane– Now obviously when you are going to have a FIL, its sure he would be almost twice your age and would soon be getting older wiser. Now a walking cane is a thoughtful and a useful gift from a future perspective, your logic will totally support you on this. But then FIL might not be totally understand the usage of the cane and get inspired by the more elementary and traditional use of the cane which was more prominent in a school kind of setting. So for the health and safety hazards caused, this one is to be avoid.

3- 1 Year Subscription of Playboy Magazine– Now this seems to be the best gift for any man on this world. It also comes with a free inflatable full size love doll which might seem like a great gifting idea and value for money proposition. But this one you would be dead twice if you try you wifee is gonna kill you for sure and after that your mother in law would make your dead body alive and then kill it again. So don’t even dare to think about it.

4- The Wig– Now this also seems to be a perfect gift which has a high utility in present or foreseeable future. But the horrors of buying such a gift might haunt you as Cliff  Richard said “Be a Bachelor Boy until your dying day!!!”.

5- Passes for Invite Only Victoria’s Secret Party – I know this would apeal to you and him as much as the third one but then again this is one is equally fatal. You take your FIL with you to this paradise where almost naked Lingerie clad women will be walking and dancing around you but then you know the downside 😉

So here are the 5 terrible gifting ideas when buying gift for your Father in Law.

Swine Flu Fun- II

Now that all around there has been too much of Swine Flu panic. My city has been most critical with maximum number of Swine Flu deaths in the country. Now its time to lower the anxiety and hype over Swine Flu, and crack some really bad jokes-

Approaching a girl the swine flu way-

Boy goes near the girl and pinches the bottom.

Girl Turns and Shouts back “You Bloody SWINE!!!”

Guy- “At least, I didn’t cause the flu”

Counting Miles-

Me- If I register myself with Jet Airways with the name Swine, will I be able to get all the Frequent Flier Miles for all the times “Swine Flu”

Friend- Nah, Jet Airways is not the official “Carrier” for Swine Flu.

Swine Flu Investing-

Me- Investment Tip of the month, Invest in Surgical Equipments and FMCG.

Friend- Why?

Me- The consumption of masks and soap has sky rocketed after swine flu. I am washing my hands with soap very hour and even after I pee.

Friend- Oh you should do it before also, you don’t want the Virus to enter in you through all the wrong places.

Swine Flu Date-

Girl to the Doctor- Doctor, Please check me for Swine Flu?

Doc- You having cough cold fever etc?

Girl- No

Doc- You visited a Swine Flu infected place recently

Girl- Oh No!!! My boy friend is a Pig and I am sleeping with him.

Swine Flu Movie-

A movie being made on relationship of Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky could not be completed why?

The Heroine refused to remove the mask for the final scenes.

5 Ways for Swine Flu Fun

Swine Flu Fun

Swine Flu Fun

Update: This post has been selected as Blog Adda’s Spicy Saturday Picks

The way Swine Flu has got the attention and hype, once can use it for some fun and harmless advantages. I am listing 5 instances which I can use for some fun.

1- Security check at the Company Gate– when the security guard opens the door of the car and scoops his head inside to ruffle through everything kept in my car. I just hate this routine, it delays me and I specially hate when he presses the soft toy dog kept on the back of my car, damn it I am not carrying the bomb in the soft toy, and this is not 1987 when we will do it inspired by Mr. India. This is 2009 we have swine flu, so all I am going to cough loudly and very badly. Let’s see if he is willing to perform his karma despite the Pigs flying.

2- When she calls– You in a middle of an important meeting and the new new wifee calls. What to do, simple cough vociferously point to your manager that you need to step out. Courtesy swine flu, your manager would not expect you back and won’t mind if you say you went to the doc to check if the cough attack was swine flu.

3- In a queue– When you standing in a queue which is moving very slow. Just start coughing loudly and say it aloud “the cough with fever doesn’t make sense. I don’t have this generally”

4- Avoiding handshakes– So if people still extending their hands for a handshake and you don’t want to do it for your own fear of swine flu. Just before the handshake cough loudly with open mouth and keep you hand to cover it. Then extend the same hand with wiping it off. More often than not the person extending the hand would back off.

5- Medical Store– If you find the medial store or the chemists are jam packed an you not able to reach the counter, to get your medicine. Ask loudly for “Tamiflu” and Swineflu masks then recite rest of your medicine list. In all probable cases crowd would gradually disappear and Chemist would be listening to you with all ears providing you with stuff and get rid of you from his shop.

So these are 5 ways with which you can have some Swine Flu fun. The post is written totally in Humor. Please take the illness seriously and don’t get hyped on it.

Short Pants

Late evening when I went in the coffee shop,
Spotted her sitting there; where I daily hogged,
I stopped whistling and singing my song,
Glued my eyes to her pants which were not so long.

I sat on her backside, not literally you pervert
I could hear her conversations in spurts,
With bits I got, she sounded hysterical,
Seemed like she was fighting a problem too diabolical.

She uttered the following words with tears in her eyes,
“Do you know where the solution for my problem lies,
No matter what, I can’t help my ever increasing weight”,
She said while gobbling the chocolate pastry from her plate.

The guy for a second looked at the plate listening to her rants,
And then focused on her legs coming out of the very short pants,
He knew the age old question actually was a huge trap,
One mistake and he is going to end up in crap.

“Darling, my love, you do not have to worry about the weight,
Lovely you look, lets head to the bedroom, it’s getting late,
I will give you special exercises all till your hearts content,
Just wait till I get inside your shorty short pants.”

The lass smiled, I don’t know; for the compliment or the anticipation,
Displaying her gorgeous legs for everyone’s admiration,
She went out; and I resumed my whistling and song,
With my eyes glued to her pants which were not so long.

This is my attempt to write humorous poetry. The context was me and my cousin was sitting in a coffee shop and discussing blogging and the conversation was directed on the topics of blogging, and I was of the view they can be picked from anywhere. So eventually both of us decided to pick on a girl sitting there in strikingly short shorts and write a post on it. This piece is entirely a piece of fiction and figment of my imagination and has no bearing to any kind of reality.