Tag Archives: Shaadi

Worth of Husband & A Book Launch

Recently, PhoenixRitu posted on her blog about estimating the worth of a housewife (I would use the term homemaker instead of a housewife. I somehow don’t feel housewife is an appropriate job description and the term is sexist too), where she assigned a monetary value to the chores performed by a homemaker. Though I really don’t think a monetary value can be attached to the role of homemaker, because of a simple reason once you attach a value to her it makes the person behind replaceable(which as a concept doesn’t go well down my throat).

Anyways, I thought it would be only fair if a similar post assigning the worth of the odd jobs which a husband does is done. So here I list some tasks which are thrust on the docile species known as husbands-

1- Driver- 5,000
2- Security Officer- 10,000
3- Forced Shopping Companion – 10,000
4- Shopping Bag Carrier – 5,000
6- Peace keeper between the MIL & Wife- 2,00,000
7- The person who bears the six month long headache when “Nothing” has happened- 50,000
8- Official rat, lizard, cockroach and other insect killer – 30,000
9- The official Liar who is supposed to answer the question “Am I Looking Fat”- Priceless.

So the fact remains you cannot assign the worth of a husband or a wife in monetary terms. The worth lies in being with each other and existing as a couple more than individual task accomplishers.

Now coming back to some other important events, my second book “Down The Road” has been launched last Saturday. The event was a very successful one and was grace by the presence of Ambassador from Denmark along with some well known Indian authors Vineet Nayar and Kulpreet Yadav. The event was an important milestone as an author for me as I was sharing the stage with Abhijit Bhaduri, Ahmed Faiyaz and Nikhil who all have their works in “Down The Road”.

Here are some snapshots from the event-

You can read more about these events in the press coverage which followed-

Interview


Feature

Over all “Down The Road” is another chapter in my journey of life as an author, can’t wait for the next chapters to come. Meanwhile if you would like to share my joy of going “Down The Road” you can buy the copies on Flipkart, IndiaPlaza, Landmark, Crosswords

Discourse from the Prime Ministerial Household

The year 2010 is coming to a close, this year has been a year of achievements amidst disasters. Now given the fact that achievements harbor jealousy, while the disasters harbor jeer, jibes and sarcasm; I believe it would be appropriate to stick to the later while writing this post.

So talking about the disasters I got married early this year which in itself a disaster of the century. This also strikes me out of dating/scoring with any female I know *sigh* and the little thing called wedding ring stuck on my finger makes sure I am repelled by the ones I don’t know *bigger sigh*. Now most of you would be thinking that why I won’t remove the wedding ring and get back to the game. Well the lovely Wifee & the in-laws ensured that I am showered with so much love which coincidentally wrapped in loads of trans-fat leaving a tyre around my waist and the finger so thick that I can’t seem to take out the ring without slicing off my finger.

As I complete my digressions with knick knacks of the Gupta household; 2010 wasn’t only the year of my personal disasters but the entire country joined me in the unprecedented series of disasters. We had the CWG sham scam of 70,000 crores and the 2G Spectrum scam of 1,76,000 crores. I mean I don’t even know how many effin’ zeroes are present in either of those figures. And to top that out the person who is in charge of the cabinet where these scams happened, our beloved Prime Minister Manmohan Singhji (MMS), wants to be Caesar’s wife. As if being Rahul Gandhi’s proxy wife wasn’t enough he also wants to be Caesar’s wife too. My heart goes out for Gursharan Kaur(GK) that she has to go through all this, from what I have heard she is strong valued lady who still manages the MMS household under her tight and able reins.

The word is that the following conversation took place between the PM and his wife last week-

MMS: What is for dinner tonight?

GK: Caesar Salad.

MMS: You are still stuck on the Caesar thing I didn’t mean it literally. It was just a figure of speech.

GK: Yes, Yes as if I don’t know you, one white firangi womam and you become a puppet. 6 years puppeting after Sonia wasn’t enough you find another one that too someone else’s wife

MMS: Oh god! It’s just an idio…m

GK: Don’t you dare call me an idiot, I did a google image search on Caesar and his wife he is some Roman general and his wife is also a pretty blonde.

MMS: Enough of it, why are we having salad? I thought we were supposed to have chicken do pyaza.

GK: At Rs. 70/Kg we cannot afford onions, so chicken do pyaza is cancelled.

MMS: What do you mean we cannot afford onions I am the Prime Minister of the country.

GK: So what? Are you a part of the 2G scam….

MMS: No I am clean and I am above suspicion like the Caes…..and I am ready to appear before the PAC but JPC is not necessary on this particular event.

GK: You are not addressing a press conference or media. I am your wife. So did A. Raja gave you any money?

MMS: No, I think he gave it all to the Karunanidhi family. You know they bought Spice Jet airlines. He is not even from congress no so I hardly have any control over him.

GK: Ok! Did Suresh Kalmadi give you any money, he is from your party?

MMS: No, whatever he gave Rahul ji took it away saying he will use it in Bihar and the rest Suresh kept with himself.

GK: So how do you think we can afford Onions.

MMS: Very true, but I can always ask Sharad Pawar to give us some. I hear that he is hoarding tones of it to keep the prices artificially high.

GK: I am not sure if he will give you any, but yeah If you can ask Sonia to exert some pressure he might cave in. But then if we are found in possession of Onions when the CBI, PAC, JPC or whatever comes to our house they would conclude that you took a cut in all the scams which are coming on TV these days.

MMS: Yes true. Lets have salad, anyways at this age salad is good for health too. I have to keep in good health; given the election results in Bihar from Rahulji, I might get a shot for the third term as a PM if the congress wins the elections again.

GK: Whatever.

Disclaimer: The post is a figment of an imagination and the above mentioned statements might not be entirely factual. So if you can’t take some fun lightly please hit the close button on your browser.

Reality Bytes

Its been a long time I have been regular on the blog, the reason being would already know that a certain panditji supposedly said something in Sanskrit. When translated to the world of IT and Software would mean “The Marital Status field in the database, the record type Single needs to be end dated on January 20th and a new record with the record type as Married needs to be added.” I sometimes bless the thoughtful creator of English language that he decided the marital status should go on as single and married as opposed to single, double, triple so on and so forth depending upon the number of wives and kids you have. If the later would have been followed the status of Osama Bin Laden would have been estimated to somewhere between one dozen to three dozens and lets not even talk about pregnant women and people getting divorced. They might have resorted to the use of Mathematical Limit Functions- Pregnant Women and their Husband, Status – Limit approaching to 3 (in case of the first child).

Sorry I digress, coming back to the harsh realities of the world. The bottom line is yours truly got married. All the plans to avoid the upcoming tragedy went in vain, as they say man proposes and god disposes, I finally got hitched. Going through what one would call a “The Big Fat Indian’s Wedding” obviously the big fat Indian being me. Its high time that I come up with a book titled “How Prats changed jobs, moved to Bangalore and got a Wife”, the story of how a boring seasoned blogger in late mid twenties found the master partner of his life. And I digress again.

Coming back to the point so many things happened I changed my job, I moved to Bangalore from Pune you can read my earlier tales of Bangalore here, here and here. There have been a lot of things going on in the world, like –

1- Hon’ble Supreme Court of India condones the Live-In couples– I have nothing much against the couples who live-in but this just re-affirms my belief that India is a funny country. I mean its not possible to keep a car for even a month before you finally commit to making it your own but it’s possible to have the woman/man of your life for a trial run, funny indeed.

2- Sahara India buys Pune IPL Team– There is no big deal in Sahara buying the Pune IPL team, if they hadn’t some other Tom, Dick and Harry Salman, Akshay or Katrina would have bought it. The big deal is about the amount they paid for Pune team a friggin 1,702 crores, to set a perspective if everyone in India combines and wants to outbid Sahara they will pay 17 rupees and 3 paise and to top that out if people of Pune thought of uniting and buying the Pune IPL team they would end up paying Rs. 5,158/- per person. I am sure this would be an excellent branding strategy resulting in conversations like this-

Person1: Pune IPL team was bought by Sahara.
Persone2: Sahara is it? What do they actually do?
Person1: Nothing much they sponsor the Indian Cricket Team

3- The Glory of Riots– There used to be a time when riots used to be the things of glory, the riots led to the headlines of newspapers, TV channels, talk shows. We actually got holidays from school because of riots in 1992. Now seems like the in-things are terrorist attacks, the political big wigs like Mamta Banerjee, Narendra Modi, K. Chandrashekar Rao have all failed to upheld the cause of riots. This time the riots have lost out to IPL with such a huge margin that despite a shoot at sight order and curfew in Hyderabad the riots don’t seem to get any space on page 1 in news papers and news channels.

Anyways now that so much of comedy is happening around the world, I won’t bore you to death. As the old adage goes, If you cannot avoid a rape least you can do is enjoy it. So enjoy your rape day. Adieu

Ps. Please Suggest an appropriate title for this post, I can’t think of any 🙁

Winters And Wedding

As most of my readers would know that I am getting hitched this week, for those who don’t you can visit the details here. Despite my all frivolous attitude towards marriage, I finally found someone who I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

So my wedding this week, and the weather gods, don’t seem to be too pleased with the idea of me getting married. I would like to think that they are not very happy with the idea of my bachelorhood expiring. However, I was also told the reason might be they do not want a trouble maker in the Whyfee’s life.

I am actually scared that there might be chilly cold on my wedding day. Freezing the newly wedded couple to death, I mean there are vows “Till Death Do Us Apart” but the underlying assumption is that the chilly winters would not be the visiting guest in the marriage ceremony. Thankfully our city doesn’t entertains Blizzards and snow storms too much otherwise right now I have been sitting on a wedding like Phoebe Buffet of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Though situations are not much different and I am still having the day of my life like her.

So folks I am signing off for now, will be on a short break from blogging for the obvious reasons. Plan to come back soon. Till then I leave you with some thoughts from a poster I saw in an Odyssey about F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Everything I Know in Life I Learned From F.R.I.E.N.D.S

1. Never use “We were on a break!” as an excuse.

2. Remember it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy and it is a big deal.

3. Everybody has a Lobster.

4. Quitting the gym is just as hard as quitting the bank.

5. For space in bed, use the “Hug & Roll” technique.

6. Yemen is a good place to escape unwanted girlfriends.

7. You can do a lot with just cups and ice.

8. Always say the right name at the alter.

9. Powder & lotion will not help remove hot & sticky leather trousers.

10. “Man Bags” aren’t manly.

11. Don’t count “Mississippily” while in a spray tanning booth.

12. “How you doin’?” never fails.

13. If stung by a jellyfish, pee on it.

14. Never let a monkey near a TV remote.

15. Only in prison do they “cup” whilst measuring pants.

16. It’s not Smelly Cat’s fault.

17. Always read make-up letters all the way through, even if they are 18 pages long and FRONT TO BACK.

18. You should leave your synth keyboard in the 80s where it belongs.

19. A nap with your best friend could be the best nap you ever had.

20. Never let it slip to a child that they are in fact adopted.

21. Meat is not an ingredient in trifle.

22. There’s no such thing as “shark porn”.

23. Your first name is not your “family name”.

24. Throwing your own wake is not a good way to meet women.

25. A “Day Of Fun” is a good way to get to know someone.

26. Everyone has an identical hand twin.

27. Eating too much meat can cause “Meat Sweats”.

28. It’s never too late to resurrect The Routine, just don’t change it.

29. Regina Falange and Ken Adams make great false names.

30. It’s possible to drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds.

31. When moving a couch upstairs, pivot.

32. A silent auction is not a contest to guess the right price.

33. Always double check your measurements when making an entertainemnt unit.

34. Playing too much on arcade machines can lead to getting The Claw.

35. Ugly, naked, and guy do not make for an attractive combination.

36. Never pose for a VD poster campaign.

37. “Pheebs” is short for Phoebe, it’s not just what we call our friends.

38. Never let a duck & a chick near a foosball table.

39. Wooden spoons & trucks make great massaging tools.

40. Never put your head in a turkey.

41. Taping oven mitts to your hands will prevent you from scratching chicken-pox.

42. Never bet your apartment in a game of “Who Knows Who”.

43. Don’t leave teeth whitening gel on for longer than recommended.

44. W.E.N.U.S. stands for. . . Uhmmm . . . ?

45. Everyone is entitled to a “Freebie” list of 5 celebrities they can sleep with if the oppurtunity arises.

46. There are 7 basic erogenous zones. Start out with a little A 1, 2, a 1, 2, 3, a 3, 4, 5, a 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7……. SEVEN!

2 States – A Review

Autor: Chetan Bhagat
Publisher: Rupa & Co.
Price: 95/-

2 States - Chetan bhagat

2 States - Chetan bhagat

Finally Chetan Bhagat’s long awaited novel Two States hit the stores yesterday. I believe Chetan Bhagat is one of the people who has brought reading as a hobby in India for our generation a new life, by writing about the people from the common Indian middle class in situations which anyone could have relate to. And yet he has produced a story which weaves a thread around common character in situations.
This time in his new book he touches a cause of the regional and inter-community biases too and does it very subtly in the background, making a very juicy story all across it. The interesting pick about all his previous novels had been they had an unusual story line 3 IITian’s stealing a question paper and call center employees’ having tryst with god and a entrepreneur trying to commit suicide. But this book is entirely different, the last thing it has is a fresh plot. It’s an age old plot about a Delhi guy falling in love with Tamil girl and their struggle to be together. This story has been told again and again zillion times in cinema, short stories and novel too.
However, to be fair to the writer still the way the story has been told is fresh and the book keeps you entertained by the jibes at the clichés and community cliques about the Punjabis of Delhi and the Iyers of Chennai. The book has fair amount of lighter moments and it does keeps you engrossed in the story line. The shock values and the contrasting descriptions of cultural differences don’t take you by surprise but don’t leave you without a smile either.
The book however claims to be inspired by writer’s own experience on his path to marital bliss, but however he urges the book to be treated as fiction which is a contrast. Another peculiar thing about the book is it references five point someone at a lot of places in a way that the protagonist seems to be Hari from the old book while in this book he is named as Krish which was a bit weird.
Getting in the details of the book, it is written well, and is evenly paced not to leave you bored and not going so fast that you might lost in the plot and characters. The author has done a good job in outlining individuals in the story and ensuring the important characters get enough plot space and the sidelines disappear along with the course. However, I personally felt the character of the protagonist’s father could have had more details some had bumpy description and surprises. Also the spirituality angle which gives the protagonist the direction and future course doesn’t gets appropriate importance, specially given the fact it was a defining incident and could have been more elaborated and be used for bringing in more content.
However, the book is a full masala read with all family drama turned funny. With some really nice situational and induced humor however there were no catchphrases or one-liners which might stick to you even as a jibe. However his satire on the back page on how the love marriages happen in India, was solely appropriate and relevant. Overall this book is a decent read not as fresh as five point someone but stil I would find it a better read than the other of his two books. He has managed to keep the readers attention and interest, though the curiosity angle was not as strong primarily because of the family setup.
All in all you cannot call this book is a must read, but definitely this one is readable and has quite an amount of masala in it for the reader without any gyaan/depth or insights in it except for may be “How to woo your South Indian girlfriend’s family”.

Trying to gauge it on a scale of 5 I would say this would be a 2.5. I would conclude by saying this one is a Read in leisure only for pleasure.

5 Things Not to Gift Your FIL

Buying a gift is a tedious job, and it becomes all the more difficult when you have to buy the same for your in-laws. I mean buying gifts for your own family members is a simple four step process.

Step 1- You identify what thing is you need most and wont get approval for buying from parents.

Step 2- Buy that thing, get it gift wrapped and write on tag “With love for Mummy/Papa – From You”

Step 3- Gift the packet to parents. Ask them to open it in front of you and see them sigh smile.

Step 4- Now take the gift and start using it, parents won’t use it anyways.

This is a sure shot process which works everytime. I have tried this multiple times like when I bought that expensive shaving foam for my mom and the Rayban sunglasses for my dad (who incidnetly wear eyesight glasses and cannot wear them). Now they both loved the gifts and they are being put to good use right there in my cupboard.

Father In Law
Image Courtesy: Google Images

But when it comes to in-laws the ball game changes entirely. The 4 step process mentioned above fails miserably. Well till now I am not able to come up with a process oriented approach for buying gifts for your in-laws. The reason is there is no trial run possibility as a failed trial might be fatal due to a external exterminator being active in the scene, better know as wifee.

So here yours truly comes up with 5 things which you should not gift your Father In Law(FIL)-

1- Life Insurance– Now this seems like a perfect gift, your insurance agent might convince with all kinds of benefits it entails and how it would bring huge benefits to you just by putting your name in the nominee section. It would seem like a good idea to buy that policy, name yourself as the Nominee pack it in the envelope and gift it to your FIL.  Don’t ever try it. Even if you go ahead and do it then it would be a good idea to get one insurance policy for yourself too, you now just in case….

2- Walking Cane– Now obviously when you are going to have a FIL, its sure he would be almost twice your age and would soon be getting older wiser. Now a walking cane is a thoughtful and a useful gift from a future perspective, your logic will totally support you on this. But then FIL might not be totally understand the usage of the cane and get inspired by the more elementary and traditional use of the cane which was more prominent in a school kind of setting. So for the health and safety hazards caused, this one is to be avoid.

3- 1 Year Subscription of Playboy Magazine– Now this seems to be the best gift for any man on this world. It also comes with a free inflatable full size love doll which might seem like a great gifting idea and value for money proposition. But this one you would be dead twice if you try you wifee is gonna kill you for sure and after that your mother in law would make your dead body alive and then kill it again. So don’t even dare to think about it.

4- The Wig– Now this also seems to be a perfect gift which has a high utility in present or foreseeable future. But the horrors of buying such a gift might haunt you as Cliff  Richard said “Be a Bachelor Boy until your dying day!!!”.

5- Passes for Invite Only Victoria’s Secret Party – I know this would apeal to you and him as much as the third one but then again this is one is equally fatal. You take your FIL with you to this paradise where almost naked Lingerie clad women will be walking and dancing around you but then you know the downside 😉

So here are the 5 terrible gifting ideas when buying gift for your Father in Law.

The Dream

The chimes of her voice and cacophonies of my mind,
Tryst of the music to the deaf and the art to the blind,
The dazed images of bliss passing under the deep shut eyes,
Holding on, reliving was all that could be tried.

The clouds of doubtful dust and the obscured vision,
The uninitiated sense within still vouched for unison,
Mind over the matter or the contrariwise,
All through the dream there was no respite.

To be or not be was a question the great poet asked,
The answer ignored and the glory of the question was basked,
All that was needed a sound to open the overlooking glance,
Listening to the heart and derive the answer through the stance.

The lonesome traveler within the nightmares,
Got his answers when destiny was more than fair,
When the cacophonies and chimes surprisingly combined,
The music and the namesake sounded divine.

The dream was over, the dust seemed settled for a clear sky,
And the flavor of the dream was still glittering in the eyes,
It was a new day, darkness fleeting with the dawn,
A change racing through unimpeded, with the yawns.

The rays of sun with a promise of a beautiful tomorrow,
A staunch base to wave off all the future sorrows,
Visions of Well Wishers, friends, Love, a ménage and a wife,
Something within told me a new life had arrived.

This poem was written about the whole process of  getting into a relationship, and is dedicated to the love of my Life, Divz.

The Marriage of the IT Geek

So as evident from my last post actually two of my close friends have decided to get married. So I am writing this detailed post about one of them. Well both of them deserve a very special mention in my life.

I thought of writing the detailed post about both of them but there is hardly anything to write about Vicky and Shriya. They meet, they fall in love, they remain in love, they get married, and they live happily ever after. Trust me theirs have been a perfect love story, you know one of the perfect made for each other couple I know.

Now comes the second one, on her specific request order threat, I have been asked not to reveal her identity, I mean I still can but not if I want to live remaining days of my life. So basically this friend of mine she is a lady of strong convictions. The primary reason she is my friend would be that she loves her laptop more than all her boyfriend(s). So being one of the biggest Business+IT geeks I know around, I am charting out how probably here decision to marry would have been executed.

Symptoms- Lonely Soul, Random Weekends with nothing substantial to do, Dissatisfied stakeholders (read Mom, Dad and extended family), irregular no sex.

Internal Consultants-Aforementioned Stakeholders

External Consultants- Close friends (including me, at least till now)

Problem Statement- Absence of long term personal vision

Solution from the Consultants- Get married

Time Frame for implementation of solution- 2 Years

RFI floated- Interested vendors putting in their claims and portraying their eligibility. Including their strength in the market (read muscles/body building), financial position to execute the contract (read flaunting money), domain expertise (read learning and testimonies from ex-girlfriends on how good in bed) and intellectual capital

RFP- The guys fighting it out amongst themselves to position themselves a suitable match aka Rakhi Sawant’s much talked about svaiyamvar. Finally when the RFP process is over the appropriate vendor (read bgroom is selected)

Requirements Gathering & Fit-Gap- Now the dearie friend and the would be in waiting do a requirement analysis and identify where the process changes required. Now the process gets funny The client keeps having funny requirements which are finally signed off by all the stakeholders.

Go-Live- Now this what would be the marriage.

Post Go-Live Support- lets not talk about it here. 🙂

Ps. If I am found missing or absconding after this post. Please read an obituary for me.

Equity Linked Honeymoon Scheme

What happens when people start investing in a stock market with an objective to sponsor something from the gain? One of my friends suggested an interesting case study when we were discussing about how to plan honeymoons by investing in equity markets. This is how his story

Sensex

Destination

6000

In the bedroom (started investing on regular basis)

8000

Kullu Manali (Invested More)

10000

Goa (Invested still more)

12000

Kerala (90% Salary in ELHS)

15000

Malaysia Singapore (All the saving invested)

18000

Switzerland (Switzerland main…. took loans and invested)

19000

Australia & New Zealand (Life Rocks, I am super rich)

20000

Europe Tour 7 Days (Richer)

21000

Europe Tour 15 days(Richest)

19000

Dubai & Middle East (Minor hic-cups)

17000

Hongkong (Market would recover)

16000

Maurituis(For sure)

15000

Bangkok /Thailand (I will buy and hold, still time for Honeymoon)

14000

Nepal (Too late to sell)

13000

Kerala (Should I sell at loss ?????)

12000

Rajasthan/Mount Abu (lost almost everything desperate sell out started)

6000

Everyday is honeymoon in the bedroom

Any takers for the scheme…….. ?????

10 Reasons to Avoid Marriage

As you would already know from here that my family, extended family and the further extensions of my extended family is all set for the herculean task of getting me married. Interestingly every one I seem to meet has a piece of advice about how should I choose my spouse. The most discussed topic in the purview of my marriage is to take a call between a homemaker and working wife. So here I present a brief extract I got from the discussions happening around me-
5 Reasons not to marry a Homemaker
1- How will she manage to mingle with your circle of professional friends as your friends are blood sucking corporate honchos and they will eat her alive.
2- She would be financially dependent upon you increasing your burden which is actually true as I feel that I am a burden on myself courtesy P.Chidambram for ever increasing inflation and my company’s compensation & benefits team for a meager hike.
3- She would sit back in the house whole day and will watch the KKapoors Saas Bahu Serials and when you come back home the only thing you will get to hear is “Aaj Tulsi ne Mihir ke liye Chole Chawal Banaye
4- The major discussion would revolve around the Super Woman aka Kaam Wali Bai (Housemaid) about which you would have no interest to hear until you have something like Rakhi Sawant kneeling to clean the floor.
5- The kitty parties which would become a common event would haunt you with new jewelry demands and with ever increasing commodity prices might lead you to act bearish in the bullish markets.

5 Reasons not to marry a working woman-

1- She will be very driven towards her career, will not take care of you and she will spend all of her time in office. Yeah absolutely right she will be off to her office at 6’o clock well before I wake up (well any time she would go would actually be before I wake up) and will come only after 2 in the night when I would have slept.
2- She will bore you all day (whatever part of it she is in the house) with her office gossip. You know things like aaj mere office main peon ki Billi mar gayi and his boss sang this song for him, there is something fishy between them I am so sure.
3- She would have male friends which would be a source of trouble; when I always though that her female friends might cause greater troubles making me play Ross Geller.
4- She would time share you laptop to check important mails and you will have to bow to thy request and will also consume the bandwidth you use to play online games and watching you tube videos
5- She would interrupt you in buying gadgets & cars for indulging in Buy & hold positions for depreciating assets in the bullish markets.

So eventually I have 5 not so perfect reasons not to marry a home-maker and 5 not so perfect reasons for not to marry a working woman. Moms, Relatives & the jeevansaathi-dot-coms of the world you got any third types??? Bring it on 😉